MINUTES OF FoUr LoKo BOARD MEETING.

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Brussel Crow; B.C.: Haha, welcome my trusted board, now before we start you will notice a small hunched man in the corner. He is a writer, the lowest of gods creatures, the worms of the universe. Now before you automatically start spitting on him remember the old rich person saying “A wet worm will slip straight out your hand and out of the door, but a dry worm you can hold and therefore crush.” so keep this worm dry, for at the moment he serves a purpose. Now as you all know we have recently acquired the Billy Bearham Blog.

*The Board cheers, one man shoots a gun at the ceiling, an FBI agent hiding up there listening in for insider trading hears the gunshot & panics and starts shooting his own gun, he tragically hits the mouse he had befriended in the crawlspace, he cries to himself & realises he could be tried for mouseslaughter & all his years at the FBI would be for nothing, with tears in his eyes he decides he has to hide the evidence & eat the mouse. The mouses children look on, unseen, in horror, they use this moment to fuel their passions and grow up to be Mouseatouille.*

B.C.: Now that idiot was running this blog terribly, he made no fucking money at all. But now we have it and it’s going to be a whole other kettle of Phish.

Denime Keaton; D.K.: I think the expression is kettle of fish.

B.C.: I am going to use my indoor voice, which is something my therapist told me as I water tortured him to make sure he would never reveal any of my secrets, he didn’t make it. But I’ll tell you what I told him, “You might be 90% water but pretty soon you’re going to be 100% dead.” Now do you still want to make the ridiculous claim that I was wrong?

*D.K. shakes their head, but shaking their head accidentally loosens the suicide pill they had embedded in their teeth during a wild period in their 20s and they drop dead, two security men rappel down from the rafters and drag their corpse into the corpse pile, the two security guards then crouch down behind a couch, you can only see their eyes and the shine from their heads.*

B.C.: Now as I was saying, we have to make money off of this and for money we need content and for content we need “creatives.” It’s fucking sickening I know having to be around them, but one day all of us titans of business will get in a rocket and fly straight into the sun where we will be greeted by the Orb of Solace. All hail the orb.

ALL: All hail the orb.

B.C.: And when we meet the orb he shall usher us to the second dimension where we will all be able to achieve every rich persons dream of being really, really flat.

ALL: All hail the orb, our flatness is forseen.

B.C.: But until that day we must live with these fuckers and use them as tools, now this particular fucker is here to take minutes of this meeting for that is to be our first content, does anyone have a problem with that?

David Keggers; D.K.: Well……….

*B.C. Takes out a gun and shoots him, the two security guards run on all fours and take D.K., they throw him into the body pile. It’s almost imperceptible but the pile grows a quarter of an inch bigger. The two security guards look at each other, one of them whispers “I have forgotten my name.” the other one whispers “I think it was Davey Tentacles.” The other ones like “Yeah, that’s about right.”*

B.C.: Anyway, let’s get this shit started, I know normally we start with the gong, but I promised my daughter she could start this because she wants to be a fucking singer now apparently.

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B.C.: Alright, now down to business. First things first, anyone have any cool thoughts recently.

*Dom Kompff raises his hands nervously, as if someone is pointing a gun at him, which B.C. is. B.C. nods.*

Dom Kompff; D.K.: I had a thought that what about if dogs had five legs.

*Everyone cheers, B.C. shuts his eyes and nods in silent approval, D.K. is allowed to take one item from the mystery barrel, he chooses a tiny star badge that says Cheriff & has a tinier picture of Cher on it.*

B.C.: Now that’s forward thinking, breaking the fucking paradigm. Anyone else?

Dom Kelouise; D.K.: Uh……. What if cats had five legs.

*The room is silent, the air is thick with thick air, everyone turns to look at B.C. to see what his reaction is going to be, he closes his eyes and nods to himself, seemingly happy before all of a sudden his eyes snap open and he vomits, a security guard rushes up to collect the vomit in a small saucer, no one knows this but he is raising an injured baby bird and he will feed it this vomit because he thinks that what you do with baby birds; that bird will grow up to be a bird.*

B.C.: GET OUTTA HERE YOU IDIOT, YOU GODDAM HACK, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN DESPITE THE FACT YOU ARE VERY ATTRACTIVE AND I GOT EXTENSIVE PLASTIC SURGERY TO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE YOU & THAT’S GONNA BE A BIG ISSUE FOR ME.

*D.K. is dragged out of the room.*

B.C.: Now onto more important matters, the French market is lookin-

*The doors burst open and in walks Brussel Crows son, Brussel Crow Jr. he is flanked by two men who look like English professors.*

Brussel Crow Jr.; B.C.J.: What the fuck dad, you let Joey do a song & I don’t get one, fuck you old man, hey pete drop a beat.

* One of the english professors starts screaming.*

B.C.J.: Well my names Brussel Crow Jr. and I’m here to say, Sabrina Carpenter appeals to paedophiles in a major way-

*B.C. nods at the two security guards, they both nod back at him, he nods again and they nod back again. He points at his son and they both look at each other then nod then give B.C. a thumbs up and one of them mouths “Yes, you’re correct that is your son.” and B.C. shouts “Get rid of him.” But they can’t hear because they’re listening to Emma on audiobook.*

B.C.: Son, I love you as much as I love anyone, which according to the magic 8-ball I asked is “None.” But if you don’t get the fuck out of here right now then I swear to god I’m going to cut off your art collective & you won’t be allowed to do your piece where you spray paint “Great?” Britain? onto Big Ben.

*B.C.J. huffs and storms out, the english professors follow after him.*

B.C.: God, sorry about that, I’ve just been really distracted today, I watched the meerkats from the Compare the Meerkat adverts fuck last night. On the internet.

All:……………..

B.C.: Yeah, it was like the rich one and the one with glasses, they did like…. everything.

All:…………….

B.C.: It was really nice, they seemed happy.

*One man claps, B.C. shoots him finger guns and winks at him.*

B.C.: Yeah, this dude gets it. So, uh, anyone got any weekend plans?

Don Kong; D.K.: I’m going to some haunted houses, trying to feel something again, paid a trucker to run over my foot last week, nothing. Not a goddam thing. Hoping if I get scared good enough it’ll like dislodge the debris that’s clogging up the ol’ soul pipe at the moment.

*B.C. nods, snaps as if he was at a slam poetry event.*

B.C.: Mmmm, yeah I can dig it daddio. Hey, have you tried microdosing poison? Yeah, that worked for me, that’s how I got so good at business, killed off the part of my soul that feels shame, sure I can’t feel happiness anymore but it also killed off the part of my brain that worries about stuff like that. Also got rid of the colour green. First time I watched Shrek after that I was just screaming my tits off, just a pair of fucking floating eyeballs talking to Donkey. Also Yoshi. In Mario Kart, gone forever, the fucking kart drives itself.

D.K.: Haha.

B.C.: It’s not funny. Alright, this meetings over. Fuck all of you.

1. i really thought this was going to be better than it was, sorry, god, so sorry.