FRASDUH

what if this classic idiot is naught but a fool.

did that theme tune fill you with dread? did it make you see the space reserved behind your eyes for when you dies?

well i’m sorry about that, but trust me i understand, stay with me for a bit here.

back in uni when i was living in halls the big man on my floor was blistopher pibbles, now he was classic cool right, you know the type: slicked back hair, brother died in a tragic motorcycle accident, leather jacket, studded belt, i should mention he said his brother “was the motorcycle in the accident.” when i asked what the fuck that meant he just stared off into the mid-distance and didn’t say another word the entire night, loads of murakami books, smoked leaning against a wall, head to toe joe cool tattoos with joe cools wiener covered up by a censored bar but the censor bar is comically small and joe cool is pointing at it as if to say “hey, come on now, my hog needs like five of these bars do a guy a favour mr censor man.”

now the pinnacle of my very very classy uni (hardvard, not to brag.) was blistophers weekly “fraday”, parties & if you weren’t invited you were no one, and no one was invited apart from him and his friend, so the rest of us were nothing.

all us nothings could only imagine the intellectual shit going on behind that door, maybe there was a man in a hat yelling facts at them! maybe they were trying to figure out if you farted enough you could make your own lil sun cause the sun is just gas so i think that might be possible, if it’s not don’t ruin this for me! maybe they were doing science shit like throwing rocks at other rocks to determine the point when throwing rocks is radical!

we would never know, sometimes we would put our ears to the door hoping to glean the mysteries of the party but all we would hear is laughter and the sound of the tv.

however in my second year i got sent back to first year cause i kept spelling my name wrong on all my stuff and so the university asked for proof i exist & went to class, so i sent them a bag of blood and an a.i. video of a bird taking off and turning into a naked man like a bloody painful animorphs and screamin’ through the sky, just cause i thought it looked cool and i thought summed me up as a person vis a vis knowledge.

but they said that wasn’t proof i exist or had been to class so they put me down a year just to make sure, they also put me down a well for a bit, just as a time out.

naturally i was feeling a bit bummed, so i did what all sad uni students do and read a single book and based all of my personality around it, i went for the classic “catcher in the rye.” but i skipped the reading part and just went for what i presumed the book is about which is getting tackled by a frankenstein in a haunted corn maze, and when blistopher saw me doing that he decided i was intellectual enough to join him for “fraday.”

now i show up nerves are spaghetti, arms spaghetti, with a plate of spaghetti, i have NO clue what i’m walking into so i’ve spent the day listening to every single audiobook i have at once, which is pretty much just dilbert¹ & pride and prejudice narrated by the cypt keeper & da davinci code also narrated by the crypt keeper, just in case the intelligent conversation turns to the classics of literature.

but i get there and it’s really normal, it’s blistopher and his mate “big” jelly wobblewell, they both say “mon frere.” which i think means monster so i do a bit of frankenstein, y’know putting my arms in front of me and groaning, but that didn’t go down great but they kind of smile politely and usher me to the couch, after a small portion of 100 devilled eggs, which for me is 99, they draw the curtains, light an incense stick and then, and then, and then, and then they put the tv on.

at first i didn’t know what was happening, i thought it was a french show with an egg man and some kind of timidly cat who live with their father yosemite sam, so i sat there and nodded along for a bit, but about ten minutes in i asked if they could put subtitles on, after a lot of dramatic sighing and a twenty minute debate on the ethics of putting words on screen when words should be reserved for books, they both agreed and turned it on, and it was in english, it was in english all along.

now in case you haven’t got it yet then the tv show we were watching was none other than…………. matlock.

no i’m fuckin’ with you, it was frasier.

even with the words i got none of it, it was in one ear and out the other, like when you go to a different country and you turn the tv on and it’s twin peaks in english.

when the episode was over we had a twenty minute reflection time and then it was discussion hour, they were all “indomitable.” and “oui oui.” and “the soul of wit is brevity and i think you will find this episode was succinct.” and when they asked me what my favourite part was and i said “i liked the dog.” they both laughed at me and banned me from the intelligencia forever².

everyone on my course heard about it, i was the butt of every joke after that, my uni changed my course to duncing for fools where i was forced to wear a jester hat and dance for the deans amusement, he would clap his lil hands in merriment while i slut dropped over and over till my lil butt was a bbl, baboons butt lookalike, the cafeteria wouldn’t let me use cutlery cause they thought it might be too advanced so they put everything in a feedbag and i had to sit outside with the school mascot costume but i wasn’t allowed to look at it or talk to it or imagine being its friend.

i ended up dropping out in my fourth first year, my life was in tatters, i spent a lot of years after that trying to convince everyone i wasn’t a dunce but they’d always ask me “well, if you’re not a dunce then what’s your favourite frasier joke.” and i’d always freeze and then it’d be back to the dunce hat, i realised something had to be done and it was on my shoulders to do it.

originally my plan was to make my own frasier, frasier for us dum dums³, but i realised that wouldn’t actually help us, so i have dedicated the last few years of my life to try to make frasier accesible, thus frasduh.

frasduh is my lifes work right here, right underneath this text, after years of study and reading books narrated by the crypt keeper i have finally learned enough to decipher the frasier code in hopes that, though my life is ruined, i may just be able to help other dum dums by explaining the jokes.

it is too late for me, i am but a holy fool grasping for worms from the toilet of life, but i hope this will be of some use to you so when someone asks you what your favourite frasier joke is you can finally answer with confidence.

may god be with you.

i think a citadel is like a fortress, a fortress is from the olden days when someone got so bored by no tv that they piled a bunch of rocks up in the shape of a giants house.

i don’t know if womanhood is a real word.

what this joke means: i don’t know.

i’m pretty sure raffish isn’t a word and it’s meant to say ratfish or rad-ish, rad—ish was black-ish but with josh radnor, it lasted for one episode and got cancelled for many many good reasons.

a ratfish is a half rat half fish that is pretty much exclusively found in florida, scientists have theorised that the ratfish is actually the next step in human evolution cause it’s what we deserve, then they all held hands and walked into the ocean⁴.

a moustache is a third eyebrow.

research and development is what businesses do where they like take a bunch of products and then show them to normal people like me and they ask you if you would die for that product and i say “yes but i would die for much less than chocolate shreddies.” and then they give you a £1 amazon scratch card.

what this joke means: i don’t know.

pretentious is when you’re really anxious about going camping in the future.

a worm is like a soft sentient meat tube.

what this joke means: i think worms are funny as a concept.

a butt is that thing you have that you can never see apart from in pictures, like the sun or time or your children if you’re me.

a phobia is when you’re scooby doo and not one of the others (shaggy is an extension of scooby doo and does not count as one of the others).

what this joke means: i don’t know.

sigmund freud is an anamgram of dungmans furs.

viennese laymen is what you say after grace in a viennese church.

oedpial is like one of those boat things you rent in the park on a lake that looks like a swan that you use when you’re trying to be romantic with someone where you get in it and run over swans for an hour till you capsize or you can’t move anymore cause of the run over swans.

penis envy is when you see someones gold tooth and think to yourself “i wish i had that.” but with a penis.

what this joke means: i don’t know.

the munchies is when you’re scooby doo and not one of the others.

chilean sea bass is a subgenre of tropical house.

zinfadel is where tidus comes from in final fantasy x.

what this joke means: getting high and listening to music and playing some final fantasy x sounds pretty good rn honestly.

a hoedown is like a room with ten to twenty angry men in it and all of the men are wearing cowboy hats and tattered remnants of what could maybe have been clothes, all the men are screaming and bloody, but they aren’t screaming at each other they are screaming independently of each other, if one of them was removed the screaming would remain the same.

attend is like one of those people on the plane, the plane attendant, only they’re scared of ants so they took that part out.

what this joke means: i don’t know.

1. i would say who it was narrated by but it just says dilbert, my best guess is they legally made someone change their name to dilbert and made them do this.

2. fun fact: if i go in a library the librarian is morally obligated to kill me.

3. this is a random bit of dialogue from frasier.

niles: egad, the bellboy mistook my belgian loafers for monkstraps! corpernicus would be rolling in his grave.

frasier: niles, if your concerns were a sculpture they would be the thinker, because that made me think of what a fool you are.

niles: *muttering* well if you were a joplin you’d be janet and not scott like you so boldly claim.

this is the same scene but written for us dum dums.

niles: when i fart my butthole hurts so bad.

frasier: hey check this shit out. *throws a lamp really hard at a wall*

niles: *muttering.* why do my farts hurt so bad.

4. but that’s fine cause a scientist called DrFlatMooner1642 theorised on his onlyfans that the ocean isn’t actually that deep and he can touch the bottom of the ocean with his toes, he then walked into the ocean and got like ankle deep in but then came out cause it was really cold and he’d already proved his point, another scientist CheetosExperiments, run by a dude wearing a chester cheetah costume but with no bottom half theorised that DrFlatMooner1642 was a fucking idiot and the ocean is actually really deep, at least 500 cheetos stacked on top of each other, then another scientist CanAPepsiCanFitInMyButthole89 theorised that in fact cheetos are not an empirical measurement and the only way to truly gauge the depth of the ocean would be to drain it for a day by putting all the water into his pool for safekeeping, then walk to the deepest part of it and then stacking pepsi cans which ARE a specific size unlike cheetos to where the water level probably was, and also this way he could have a really cool pool party and everyone would be invited and he’d buy like ten chicken wings but you have to bring your own sauce for the wings. then another scientist DrGStringTheory theorised that that party actually sounds really cool, and could he bring his friend, but his friend was a vegetarian so would there be food apart from the chicken wings. then CanAPepsiCanfitInMyButthole89 theorised that he wouldn’t be getting other food but people were welcome to bring their own food if they wanted to, it could maybe be a pot luck kind of thing, as long as everything has labels on it with proper allergens listed on the containers, then a tik tok scientist called EXPLOSIONSFORWIMPS568 theorised that there’s no way that CanAPepsiCanfitInMyButthole89s pool could fit all the water in the ocean, you would need AT LEAST five pools, then CanAPepsiCanfitInMyButthole89 theorised that “uh, you totally can cause i have an infinity pool which means it can hold infinity water.”, then HowToEatRawChickenSafely, who actually has a phd in infinity pools theorised that infinity pools doesn’t actually mean that they can hold infinity water, then CanAPepsiCanfitInMyButthole89 theorised that HowToEatRawChickenSafely wasn’t actually a real infinity pool doctor cause his credentials actually just say pools and he had clearly written infinity in front of it in crayon, then P1ssb01429 theorised that this could have just been an email chain.