WHICH SEX FROM SEX AND THE CITY ARE YOU. A QUIZ. FT: QUESTIONS!

i love you. by riddle guy.

what it do my dudes. back again with another quiz. buzzfeed tried to sue me into oblivion but it’s really hard to sue someone who thought ahead and took out restraining orders on every judge in the uk. so when that failed they just like threw a net on me and took me to buzzfeed jail which is just working at buzzfeed. i live in my cubicle cell and every three hours someone throws five kind bars and a coconut at me real hard. i got a toilet bucket as well which is neat, every two hours five dudes come in to take it, idk why they need five dudes, one carries the bucket while the other four just hold hands and stare at the one holding the bucket, one time one of them did lil kissies to the bucket one, just felt like that was worth mentioning. apparently they own everything i’ve ever thought about or will think about which sucks cause lately i’ve been thinking about bugs a lot and so now they own all bugs and all bugs are kept in my cell until they build loads of tiny cells. but it’s not so bad i guess, i make 1p every time someone doing one of my quizzes loses the will to live and does another quiz, like stockholm syndrome but with stuff about which perk from central perk are you, so i’m already like a millionaire. but i don’t really get a choice of what to write about, like this one they were like SEX AND THE CITY AND MAKE IT HORNY. but i’ve never seen the show, i googled it and then i did a real deep dive on it and then on what sex is and i think i kind of understand the mechanics of both. cities are good, i already knew cities. i did use a.i. to do the carrie answers because honestly i just thought it was funny. if that’s a problem pick anything else, my own hand typed all the rest.

1. Mr Big slams his hands on the table, you look at the one way mirror hoping to see some sign of movement, someones going to have to stop him right? Like you’ve been on the end of some bad cop shenanigans before but nothing like what you’ve been going through in this holding cell. But there’s no sign of movement, the only thing you can see in the reflection is-

A:

B: The third property brother, you know, the one with the 2006 emo haircut.

C: A tired Goblin, your cheeks are covered with the dried blood of your enemies and your loin cloth filled with their scavenged loot, although you have committed various atrocities you are trying to get a fresh start and perhaps find love in the big city.

D: 8.336 Million people.

E: Miranda.

2. “Cut the crap!” Shouts Mr Big, slamming his hands on his own thighs “We know what you’re up to. Writing words and then trying to charge people money for those words.” He spits on the ground. “Scum like you makes me sick & that’s really bad because the main segment on my food period is scum so usually i love it! What’s next Mr. Huckster. You gonna try and charge me money for air???? You gonna charge me for doing this??????” He takes in a deep breath. “What’s that? you want some money for that? Guess I’d better get my fill before I become bankrupt huh!” He starts taking deep breaths, his face is getting redder and redder. You try to stop him but he just shakes his head and says “No way are you getting off that easy kid! You have to see that actions have consequences.” Then he goes back to breathing deeply and passes out. 

A:

B: God, so dramatic you poser. You scoff. You couldn’t have done that any lamer. Now if you’d passed out into a coffin with satin pillows I would give you some scene points. But that, that was lame as fuck. And yeah, I would know, cause I have to make myself pass out every night cause not to brag but it’s the only way I can sleep. Cause I’m so deep and haunted. You ever read any Sartre? You say to the passed out man on the floor. He doesn’t answer and you scoff. Thought not.

C: I go to eat all of his fingers but then remind myself that I am civilised now, instead I take off one of his toes and nibble on it out of a sign of respect to a fallen warrior.

D: This is of no consequence to me. It does not move me. I cannot be moved by the plight of one man. I cannot be moved by any plight at all. In my lifetime I have seen a billion passed out cops and I will see infinity more. 

E: I genuinely don’t know what Miranda would do here. Apparently she’s the voice of reason, so I guess she’s just like Jiminy Cricket? He’d probably be like “Gosh, passing out is bad!” and then like take out his tiny umbrella and do a dance or something. 

3. Another cop storms into the room, “Goddamit Big. I told you not get too heated or my name isn’t Steve from Sex and the City.” He sighs. “Well according to the law if you see us being weak then we are now the Beta and you’re the Alpha so by the law of the jungle you’re free to go. But we’ve got our eye on you.” He rushes you out of the room and shoves you down the exit chute. You tumble out and immediately fly through a car window, the ogre waiting inside grins at you. “Just who I was looking for,” They start the car and gun it in circles through Times Square. “So what did they get out of you then kid? Did they Find out what your Myers Briggs is?”

A:

B: I don’t subscribe to shit like that. I’m like beyond the Myers Briggs, I can’t even be described by like words, I’m like the colour black like a raven in a graveyard at midnight. Yeahhhh. And also the raven is smoking like a Parliment light and when you look away it flips you off.

C: I have already been tortured by the best of them. You rip out one of your own fingernails, the only sign of it causing you any pain is a single tear rolling down your blood stained cheek. They could never get anything out of me that I did not wish to give…… you put up a hand to the window and look out wistfully. Like my heart.

D: I am all. 

E: JC4L.

4. He chuckles to himself. “Good. I knew I could count on you kid. I got you a special present, in the glove box there.” You open the glove box and pull out a gun. “No, not that.” He says “Just past it.” You reach back in and pull out a hash brown. “That’s the one.”

A:

B: Pfft. Solids are for nerds. Real men live on Monster because that is after all what we truly all are.

C: I can have this? Tears stream down your face. No one has ever given you a gift before, you have only prised grisly trinkets from the freshly dead. You eat it and savour each bite.

D: I have no need for sustenance. I am sustenance. I take in everything and give all that I have with every moment.

E: Gosh Pinocchio! Fast food is okay in moderation! It can be a healthy start to your day! But also you should just be eating plain porridge for every meal.

5. “Good. You’re going to need the sustenance because your next job is going to be the big one. That’s right. The one we’ve been training for since time began. Since God sneezed us out on accident cause he used too much space pepper. It’s the Best Buy Beautiful Big Boy Fashion Show. Reporting on this will get you an Oscar. And then we can sell that Oscar for fifty dollars and finally retire to our place in the Hamptons. So what do you say. You up for it.”

You nod. 

“Now we need to work on some questions for you to say to seduce some words out of these celebrities and models. How about for your first question you ask…… If you were a shoe what type of shoe would you be?”

A:

B: Like a Doc Marten with bat wings, also covered in blood from stomping on the fat cats, like my brothers, my stupid brothers. Ooooh, I have money and a job and help people. It’s all a facade.

C: You look down at the rags that you wrap your feet in currently. They are bloody. Some the blood of your enemies, but mostly your own. One time you had a single boot but it got pried off your foot during the night by a Gooblin, a subspecies of Goblins, by the time you were awake they were gone and so was your boot. I would be a single boot. You say. But one day thanks to Hinge and Bumble I will be two boots. Maybe even three.

D: I need no shoes. I do not move. I remain.

E: I don’t know if Jiminy Cricket wears shoes and I don’t want to google Jiminy Cricket feet. Like I just don’t want to go down that rabbit hole today. I’m not steeled for it. Maybe he’d be like sensible shoes, like loafers.

6. “Perfect. Perfect.” Says the ogre. He pulls the car over “Now we’re here. Get out get out get out get out get out get out.” You step out of the car, the ogre shoots you finger guns and then drives straight off the Golden Gate bridge. You turn around and pull out your reporter notebook which is a birthday card that you tippexed the happy birthday off of and immediately bump into celebrated fashion star George Clunkles! Best known for Clunkles Cankle Bankles a small safe that you attach to your ankles for your valuables that you don’t really mind losing because it’s really hard to make tiny safe doors that actually stay shut. “Well I never.” says George Clunkles “Who would dare wrinkle my fit, in this the hour of our greatest fit pic need.” He turns to face you. “Wait-are you………are you the reporter for Vague magazine, oh! The things you have written about my art, the prose you have written about my Clunkles Cankles Bankles would make a school child weep like they just shit themselves in gym class. I am so sorry for lashing out at you. Could I please have the honour of answering a single question?”

A:

B: Pfft. I guess I could ask you a question fucko. Why do you think you’re such hot shit & why are you actually not hot shit but you’re actually like really lame.

C: What does lasagna taste like? Also what is love.

D: What is it like to have feet. I would like to know this. Also am I god.

E: Gosh, what’s your favourite place to be a reasonable person and what’s the plainest toast you’ve ever tasted, gosh.

6. His face turns red, frothing spit pours out of his mouth. “I SAID ONE QUESTION. NOT TWO.” Before you know what’s happening he’s launched himself at you. You try to fend him off but he’s too impossibly jacked from wearing Cankle Bankles all the time, his leap is just ridonkulous, like a fucking coil this man. His hands grab around your neck, you send one punch into the side of his head but he doesn’t even blink, you can’t stop him. You shut your eyes and prepare for death. You will die on the red carpet in front of hundreds of photographers, just like the fortune teller said. And then the hands go slack. Are you in heaven now? You open your eyes, sure enough you have pissed and shit yourself and loads of paparazzi are taking photos and videos, also George Clunkles is dead at your feet. Wow heaven is fucking 10/10. You say. You feel hands lifting you up and you’re face to face with Mr. Big the cop. “Are you alright?” He says.

A:

B: No.

C: No.

D: No.

E: No.

7. “I’m sorry about earlier, it’s just- it’s really stupid.” He pauses and looks bashful, wringing his hands. You nod for him to continue. “It’s just I’m actually an undercover designer and years ago I got sent into the police force to try and find the blueprints of their uniforms so we could make them ourselves. But I’ve been in so long that I forgot who I really am. Underneath the gruff cop exterior I’m a fashion person & seeing you in that bedazzled hessian sack you wear made me jealous & mad. But now I have to say to the world I’m here & I like fashion!” You applaud, you’re the only one who applauds. One paparazzi tries to clap but his hands are just claws from holding the camera for so many years so he just king of clip clops them together noiselessly until another paparazzi shakes his head at him and he stops. “I can’t wait to stay alive!” Says Mr. Big. As he says this a gunshot rings out, he clutches his heart as he falls to the floor. You drop to the floor. “They shot me right in the appendix.” He says, coughing up blood. “I knew I should have got it taken out then they never could have shot me in my appendix which is my achilles appendix.” He pulls a bloody envelope out of his appendix pocket. “These are the cop uniform designs, you have to take them and give them to the masses so everyone can wear the cool cop outfits and cops can’t just shoot everyone because they won’t know who’s a cop and who isn’t.” You nod stoically and put the envelope in your appendix pocket and stand up. He grabs your leg. “One more thing-“ He coughs up some more blood “Which major city would you live in.”

A:

B: I don’t think I really *live* anywhere, like I am already dead, we’re all already dead in the grand scheme of things. But like where would I keep my mortal shell while it’s still movable?Probably like a cave on the outskirts of Paris, so I could see the pretty lights and the pretty people and I could yell down to them that it is all meaningless & everyone would nod and thank me for my wisdom & leave me like crumbs that I could eat like a rat for that is all we are.

C: I am not sure. You say. My homeland holds nothing for me anymore, my friends & family dead at the hands of the wizard Ga Rethgates. I would return to my homeland and kill him but his magicks are too strong, so for now I bide my time here, learning more of love and friendship in the hopes that these powers will grant me the ability to turn into a bear and rip his throat out and drink in his blood. London seems nice as well.

D: NEW YORK CITY.

E: Where the fuck does Pinocchio live, like a whale right, or was that just in Kingdom Hearts? So there. Or like that absolutely fucked up donkey city. That haunted me as a kid. God, this started out as a Sex and the City quiz.

8. You look down at him, the only man you’ve ever loved is dead. Welp. You turn around and head down the red carpet and do a few cool poses like the backpack kid dance for the paparazzi, throw in a few sweet dabs, the paparazzi hiss in gratitude for your sweet moves. You move inside and see a few fashion people doing fashion things like nodding at peacocks and muttering “Fashion.” to themselves. You walk by them, you have to figure out a way to get on the main stage and give away the secrets to police uniforms to the masses. There’s a door near the back that says “Stage Access.” but it’s guarded by a giant. 17 foot tall, collection of wizard skulls on his belt, his biceps the size of regular biceps but just bigger. You walk over to him. He looks you up and down. “Are you meant to be on stage?” You nod. “Then Jerry’ll have told you the answer to the question then. If you were a Marvel superhero that doesn’t exist which superhero would you be.”

A:

B: The Punisher.

C: Eye-scream.

D. City.

E: Bug.

9. He narrows his eyes. “Wait a minute. That character already exists. You aren’t meant to be on stage are you?” You pout and shake your head sadly and kick at the floor. “Awhhhh.” Says the giant. “You’re just a plucky kid who’s trying to make it big in the fashion world aren’t you.” You still pout but you nod sadly. “You just want to make it big in the big city, don’t you. I used to be like you you know. When I first moved here I had dreams, I was going to be a gladiator. Got the first bus out of my hometown with nothing but the shirt on my back and a net and a trident. But then….. when I got here…..” He wipes a tear from his eye. “I found out gladiators haven’t actually been a thing for thousands of years. One of my friends said I should try wrestling, so I signed up for an 80 person royal rumble. It haunts me what happened that night. I stood there in the cage while 79 other people came out one by one and jumped into the ring and straight onto my trident. I won, but I could never wrestle again. Not because of the trauma but because all the wrestlers were dead. So I gave up, I took this job standing here outside a door 24/7 365. And now here we are. I can’t stop you kid, you go follow your dreams.” He moves aside and you walk through the door. “Oh, kid. One last thing.” You turn around and his trident hits you in the shoulder. “Take my trident, you never know when it might come in handy.” 

I feel like I just need to put a question in here because it’s getting quite long so what colour you. what colour you. 

A:

B: Colour is so 2000. I am the absence. I am an overcast night.

C: I remember when I was young I was sitting at the waterhole with my grandfather Plinkus. A strange creature landed, like a pigeon but sexier. My grandfather turned to me “That’s a dove that is. Cor, they’re a symbol of peace and love they is.” I thought it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, mainly because most of what i’d seen was blood and mud, but still, that off white dove stayed with me. Then we killed it and ate it. I guess what I’m saying is I’d like to be dove coloured.

D: Every colour. The colour of Pete Davidsons hair & The local basketball team the Lakers. The colour of rainbows & pizza. The colour of the lady liberty and people of all kinds. I am all.

E: Gosh! I’d be green because green is a sensible colour! Like money! You should save all of your money and not burn it for warmth!

10. You take the trident out of your shoulder and nod at the giant and head for the stage. A few fashion people try to stop you but you stab them lightly in their adrenal glands with the trident and push your way on. The spotlight hits you. “PEOPLE,” you yell into the microphone “I HAVE FOUND THE SECRET TO POLICE UNIFORMS, SOON THE ENTIRE WORLD CAN DRESS LIKE COPS.” you take the envelope Mr. Big gave you and rip it open. “THE SECRET IS BLUE. THE CLOTHES ARE BLUE!” in the front row Miyake and Raf Simons start crying and hugging each other. “Finally,” Shouts Versace “We can all look like cops i guess!” The crowd runs out to make blue clothes and you’re left alone on the stage, but you hear clapping from the side of the stage, you turn around and come face to face with Steve from Sexy in Boy City. “You did it. You monster. You released the secret that our clothes are all blue. Like prometheus giving fire to the people you have given them blue clothes. But if everyone looks like a cop then how will we know who the real cops are! We won’t be able to shoot random people anymore because everyone will look like one of us, I could accidentally shoot Dave! I tried to stop you. I killed Mr. Big but I ran out of bullets so I couldn’t kill you as well.” He cocks his gun. “But I brought some at the concession stand. It’s too late to stop you. But I can make you pay for what you’ve done.” You close your eyes and hold the trident closer to you. You hear the gunshot. But you don’t feel anything. I mean you never feel anything because you’re dead inside, but you don’t physically feel anything. You open your eyes Steve from Sexboy in Small city is lying on the floor clutching at his chest, Mr. Big is standing over him. “But, I killed you.” Mutters Steve from Sexy Lady in Village. “You didn’t kill me. I just went undercover as dead to fool you into thinking I was dead so I could kill you & it worked. And now I’m gonna bounce. Byeeeee.” Says Mr. Big as he walks into the distance. You walk over to Steve from Steve in Sex Swing Sex City & crouch down next to him. “Well, you bested me old friend…… I guess there’s only one question left………… What would your dream job be.” 

A:

B: My ideal job would be to like have a show called The Unproperty Brother. And I would like go to all the places my brothers have done up and I would like smash it all to pieces with a sledgehammer because it’s all meaningless. Like life is meaningless and like so are kitchen counters, just eat out of your hands because we’re all gonna die Deborah. And then at the end of the show the people come back and they’re mad at me but then they see that I’ve actually just taught them an invaluable lesson in philosophy and they thank me and we hold hands and listen to The Black Parade in silence.

C: Dental Surgeon. I would offer to fix the teeth of the Goblins that come here. I would take our peoples fangs and file them to pleasent nubs so that Goblins would know we do not have to bite the throats out of everything, we can also use our mouths for kissing throats. We can use knives for throats, not just teeth.

D: The same but in space.

E: Gosh, any job is a good job as long as you have good friends! sidenote: man, i want to stomp jiminy cricket so fucking bad, fucking tiny kermit looking goody two shoes ass. your little top hat wouldn’t do shit against my foot you lil prefect fuckhead.

END QUIZ.

IF YOU ANSWERED A-E ON ANY OF THE QUESTIONS YOU ARE……

this sexy lil sex scene that big whispers into carries ears on their wedding night, also it was his wedding vows as well. highbrow and yet….. filthy ;). just like you you goblin/carrie/property brother/jiminy cricket/new york.

“My ejaculation was violent, and repeated. Again and again, semen poured from me, overflowing her vagina, turning the sheets sticky. There was nothing I could do to make it stop. If it continued, I worried, I would be completely emptied out. Yuzu slept deeply through it all without making a sound, her breathing even. Her sex, though, had contracted around mine, and would not let go. As if it had an unshakeable will of its own and was determined to wring every last drop from my body.”

i hope you enjoyed this quiz cause i don’t know if i did.