OLD MUSIC FOR OLD HEADS,

BY GRAVE MATTHEWS.

Hey punk, listen up and listen up good. New music is terrible. Ooooh I’m sorry, are you angry at me? Well listen up punk……… I don’t care! I am very old & have destroyed so many sheds, how many sheds have you destroyed? What’s that? 1 shed? Pathetic, I bet you didn’t even use your bare hands. Back in my day every weekend we’d all get together & scream at the moon for fifty minutes then demolish a shed, you ever see that video of the lizard getting eaten by ants? It was like that but us kicking a shed to shit, nowadays you kids HIRE a dude to come and kick the fuck out of your sheds, goddam this world to hell. And you’ll sit there in your lil chairs and watch this person kick up your shed & then YOU’LL POST IT TO INSTAGRAM and be like “heyyyy guyyyyyssss loook whatttt iiiii justttt didddddddd.” and I’ll see your instagram post and I know you didn’t actually do that, I’ll just sit there and shake my head sadly, a single tear rolling down my cheek.

And the worst part of it is that you’ll soundtrack it to the fucking 1975. Now Let me tell you punk, the 1975 wouldn’t have lasted 10 MINUTES in the real 1975, everyone would have hated them, they’d have been booed off stage! Then they’d try to hide backstage like cowards & who would be there waiting for them with lead pipes…… that’s right Little Feat & The Boomtown Rats ready to give them a good old fashioned kickin’ for doing whatever the fuck it is they do to music.

You punks don’t know anything! So I figured it was up to me, the last real truth teller in music to step in and do something about it before we all end up just sitting around in a goddam circle holding hands and singing along to fucking Fallover Boy or what the fuck.

Now if you do like modern music and you’re still reading….. I gotta hand it to you, you’re alright by me, if you wanna come and buy me a cider and kick a shed to shit lemme know, you’re probably one of the good ones, but if you STOPPED reading this then hoooooo boy you’re on my shitlist punk you hear me! I am going to sneak in in the middle of the night and kick your shed TO SHIT! Hahahahahaha, you’ll look like a fucking moron!

So the first thing you gotta know is that modern music blows…….. and I’m not out here like blaming all of you, it is your fault, but no judgement, some judgement, you’re all brainwashed by the fucking tick tocks telling you what’s good or not, and tick tocks is fucking terrible…….. Answer me this…….. if your app is so good…….. HOW COME FOGHAT DON’T HAVE A TICK TOCK????? Huh? Answer that tick tock man.

If you wanna listen to real music you’re gonna have to pry it out of my cold dead hands, cause NONE of the good shit is online, you see back before your lil Tide-pods or whatever that fit all the Jean adverts that you call songs on we used to have physical copies of stuff, so I have THOUSANDS of vinyl, THOUSANDS, and NOWHERE to fucking store it. I did have a shed but it got hit by a bolt of lightning…………. AND THAT BOLT OF LIGHTNING WAS CALLED MY FUCKING FOOT, hoo ah. But the point is all us old people have all the good music and you’re never gonna hear it until we die & you buy it from my landlord for very little money, like Bachman Turner-Overdrive, if you Google that it’ll just come up with did you mean Back Man Learner To Drive & THAT IS NOT RIGHT, THAT’S NOT MUSIC, IT’S NOT EVEN A COMMON PHRASE!!!!

Now alright, I been razzin’ ya prettttty hard here but let me throw you a bone by talking about some modern music that’s actually pretty good, Disturbed - The Sound of Silence; this song is just pretty good, I was, uh, in a pretty bad place mentally honestly, my doctor told me that I was too old to wear my skinny jeans & he had to cut them off, then it turned out he weren’t my doctor and it was just a fucking tick tocks prank and I was in the fucking supermarket! It got me, sent me right to the fucking brink that one, so I was crying in my car and this song came on & all of a sudden I didn’t feel so bad.

The other song is anything by Shed Seven, just a good band.

You punks should go listen to those if you know what’s good for you, it might lead you down a deep worm hole, so give yourself a good coat of vaseline before you put your headphones on, trust me you don’t wanna get stuck in the music. My good friend John D. God rest his soul. He put on some Moby Grape without his thick coat of vaseline, he never came out, got too into it, started headbanging and hit his head real hard on the turntable and he didn’t slide right off, head straight through the turntable, had to get fifty stitches after that, then never listened to music again and medically had to become a banker, tragic.

Yeah, we had some crazzzzzzy times back in the day, there was this time when The Steve Miller Band rolled through town, Hot Tuna in support. Me and the gang all headed down, I miss my friends, Mott the Hoople was working the door, but back then we didn’t know him as Mott the Hoople, nah we all thought he was just lil Jerry from round the corner, little did we know that kid’d grow up to be Lemmy from Motorhead.

Anyway he was working the door, “You punks got your tickets?” He says to us, I laughed at that “You don’t need tickets to listen to music you square.” I said, I tried to high five my bud Brinsley but our hands were too covered in vaseline, Brinsley slid into a manhole and we never saw him again, swear to fucking god. Anyway we weren’t allowed to go inside so we all sat outside but we could all still hear the music, then we slid home on our bellies, unlike nowdays when you all Uber yourselves to your fancy concerts where you all drink coffee and work on your laptops and there’s a person in an apron and loads of pastries and you have to ask to use the toilet and there’s a tip jar. Well here’s a tip for ya! Bring back real music! Hey siri add a cool youtube at the end of this, something that’s old music but the kids might like.

ROCK AND ROLL FOREVER.

*

fuck sake, alright this is billy, i do not stand by any of this at all, grave matthews did not send this to me to approve, like i said he should, christ this sucksssss. obviously don’t listen to or read any of this, instead go support new bands for old heads cause new music rocks, idk how to hyperlink, if i had any money at all it’d be going to good stuff like this and not terrible things like what i and the people in my life do. anyway love you b.b.