how to make a robot to do your dishes and not do your writing so you can frankly shut up.

\\[.]_[.]// maybe along the way we learn the true robot is humans. by billy bearham the senior. i love u.\\[.]_[.]//

everyday when i load up substack i see 2 things, 1. is rob delaney, they really want me to subscribe to rob delaney even though he’s never posted.

2. at least 2000 notes that are some variation of “why can’t chat gpt do my ironing/dishes/crafting tiny frogs out of leftover engine parts/taking out my bins, filled with the many many unsold tiny frogs/lipstick, rather than write my books! i want time to create not to have something create for me!” and to all of you i would firstly like to politely say shut up.

secondly i’d like to say frankly instead of wasting your time wishing you had something to give you more time why don’t you spend your time creating something to give you more time.

does that sentence read okay? i think it does but i can’t tell cause frankly i am king shit of himbo* mountain.

so i figured well if i make a robot that can do my chores then anyone can and we can stop with those posts and go back to things that really matter like just yelling at each other and posting our knitting**.

luckily i found a handy guide on here for how to build a robot, it was real cheap and i highly recommend checking out sebastian decrab, man of many talents, doctorin’ and robotics apparently.

The Diary of a Ductor. Medical style.

the first step is build a robot, so i did that.

okay, so i built the robot but i think i did it wrong, i reread the steps but i couldn’t quite figure out what went wrong, so i figured okay, give him an arm, could just be a random vomit, it might have got really excited or somethin’.

added the extra special robot arm and everything is looking gooooooood if i do say so myself. no more vomiting, time to test this sucker out, i figure hey, i’m tired out after building this thing, i could really go for a nice refreshing fruit shoot, let’s get some of that sweet sweet juice in me. so i set the robot to FRUIT SHOOT.

it didn’t work, the robot fucking tazzed out.

i went to power it off but comically slipped on the vomit and landed on my perfect peach of an ass.

as i lay there on the floor, while the robot frantically ran into walls, i suddenly thought “wait, why am i doing this?” and i realised that i never actually built a robot to do my chores, i’d secretly built a robot to be my……….. friend.

would i force my friend to hand me a fruit shoot? no. of course i wouldn’t ask another human being to do that. i am a grown person and when i need to suck down a fruit shoot i get it myself.

if i asked a friend to pass me a fruit shoot i would expect them to vomit out of anger, so why wouldn’t this robot be the same?

i’m not ashamed to admit that i cried on that floor for hours at the evil i’d done to this poor beautiful innocent robot.

meanwhile the robot continued tazzing out and trashed most of my house.

when i got up it was with a sense of purpose, and of sorrow, i realised that i loved the robot, the robot was my best friend and front runner for my best man and as the saying goes “the real treasure is the friends we made along the way.” and i literally made my friend along the way, so as the other saying goes “if you make a friend along the way, you have to let it go, if it returns to you you may kill it.”

there was only one thing i could do.

so i took the robot outside and closed the door after it.

i watched at the door as it looked confused and threw up a bunch i thought about humanity and wanting stuff to do stuff for us.

we all want more hours in the day, but maybe the small stuff we do is what makes us human or whatever, i mean it’s probably not, but WHAT IF IT WAS? think about that.

but we already have loads of stuff that does stuff for us, like washing machines, we used to have to piss in a barrel and then shove all our clothes in it and then pick up the barrel and shake it vigorously, but now we have a machine - nay, a friend, who does it for us.

our homes are full of friends, barry the blender, suzie the sewing machine, paul the piledriver, dingbat the dildo. but we’re so busy trying to get more friends to do more things and being angry at other things that we don’t sit back and appreciate what we do have.

and that is the most human thing of all.

as i stared into the robots eyes i knew i had made the right decision for both of us, i hugged my blender tight, i’m not giving my blender the same treatment because i didn’t make it, suck it blender, and watched as the robot turned away and slowly lumbered down the garden, i hoped that he would find peace, that he would find love, live a life of life own, laugh a joke of his own, fuck a toaster a toast of his own, job a job of job own, fix a fight of fight win fight, lick a battery of battery lick own.

and maybe one day he would find his way back to me and man and robot can finally live in harmony, or i could legally kill him idk.

i love you forever my sweet sweet roboboy***.

*a himbo is meeeeee.

**this comes across sarcastic, it isn’t i like knitting and knitting related things.

***

UPDATE: roboboy is doing good and recently appeared in friend of the billy bearham blog olivia rafferty**** tiktok album promo! i am so proud and love both of them.

****olivia rafferty.